i think it's called a breakdown

It slapped me across the face,
And it punched me in the stomach,
And it kicked me on the floor,
till I spat blood,

And I repaid it,
By shoving my tongue down it’s throat,
By swallowing the fire dancing in a glass bottle,
By sucking the poison in a paper tube,
By doing anything and everything to put my life on pause.

It’s killing me,
It’s making me kill myself,

And I still welcome it,
Every night and every day,
With a smile on my face,
And a knife in my back.