alone: (adj.); without external help or participation, no other presence.

I am my own rock - solid, rigid, stiff,
resistant.

But it hurts, the discomfort of my compacted and dense physicality weighs me down,
There are a few,
a few who I may rely upon when the mass becomes overwhelming,
They chisel a pebble from my rock, and carry upon their own shoulders,
But only for a moment,
a few seconds in which I may indulge in the pressure of a lesser degree,

But the weight quickly plunges again,
and again, and again, and again,
a hammer of agonizing persistence,
striking my shoulders, sending a shockwave -
through my veins,
mini blows throughout my musculature,
it's a war to put one foot in front of the other,
each step; lethargic, prolonged... forced.

I am my own rock,
My own burden,
My own problem,
- solid, rigid, stiff.
- resistant.

i'd come running - but only 'till i get tired.

when it starts, pursue with intrigue.
when it happens, don't doubt it or over think it - become alive.
when it's happened, smile about it.
and when it's over, it's over. don't dwell on it, love it for what it was - and then leave it behind.

vivimos sin razon

My head became a playground,
Giddy, enigmatic, and ecstatic,
I have no idea what to expect,
Pero creo que ya no importa,

We dance to melodies with no meaning,
We laugh at jokes that aren’t funny,
We smile for no reason,
Pero creo que ya no importa,

Because there’s something inside worth living,
So I keep moving on, with exertion,
With hope,
Without clarity,
With a childish sense of play,
Y por primer vez, creo que ya no importa…
En este momento, nada me importa.

I wish I didn't, but I do

When the floor is taken beneath your feet
When your veins are dry of life
When the air is sucked from your throat
When your heart stops beating

Ill hold your hand with the utmost empathy

When time stops and you can’t process what’s occurring
Ill be right behind you
Because I’m the only one that knows

And when I hear your silence
Ill come running
Because I know the feeling

When I sense you’re falling
I promise not to leave

And when it becomes an unbearable memory of the past
Ill know not to remind you of it
Even if you don’t do the same for me

lacerating love

and i want to vomit all my responsibilities,
watch them float in a careless puddle on the floor,
and laugh at them,
ha!

and i want to bleed out all my hurt,
through my wrists, my eyes, my lips,
and watch as it gracefully exits me,
un, deux, trois,
au revoir!

and i want to kiss you until my lips hurt,
watch your arms reach for me,
rather than your legs walking away,
suff!
o!
cate!
me!

and i want to cut my losses,
relish in the fruits of life,
and produce a smile that just might last, for once

not present

and when my heart slows with every fleeting beat, and i'm hugging the bones in my knees,
and my cheeks are itching red with the salt of dried tears,
there's a possibility that..

and when i'm staring at the particles in the air, speaking in monotonous nonchalance,
with glassy eyes unable to focus,
there's a possibility that..

and when the color has escaped from my face,
and i'm doubled over in pain,
there's a possibility that..

and when my whole body is trembling in negative two billion degrees,
as i suck on what should've been my last cigarette,
there's a possibility that..

and when my brain is pulsing and the walls are closing and the room is spinning and there's a ringing in my head and i can't stop twitching and i'm going to vomit,
there's a possibility that something vital is missing, and i'm not quite sure what or who that may be.

dear unknown,

every morning STOP
wake up with pleasure STOP
because you are STOP
only as beautiful STOP
as you make yourself to be STOP

make every day STOP
count for something STOP
look forward to tomorrow STOP
or next week STOP
or next month STOP
but don't get too caught up STOP
in the future STOP

absorb the life STOP
from the beginning STOP
and end STOP
of every minute STOP

live your life STOP
the way you envision STOP
life should be lived STOP
do what you desire STOP
because the only person STOP
you have to answer to STOP
is yourself STOP

do not hesitate STOP
to try something new STOP
or act a certain way STOP
just because STOP
society may not STOP
approve STOP

live for yourself STOP
first STOP
and then for others STOP
second STOP

and please STOP
take everything STOP
for better STOP
or for worse STOP
as an experience STOP
worth being experienced STOP

because one day STOP
when you're not STOP
ready STOP
everything STOP
will just STOP
stop.

awakened

last night i died,

i can't quite remember how,
but i exhaled without knowing it would be my last breath,
and then something inside of me died,
and it is forever gone, untraceable yet inescapable,

and i suspect it's because i opened my eyes,

and thus, life spat me out of it's womb,
i came out kicking and screaming and crying but smiling,

and thus i ga -
and thus i gasp -
and thus i gaped my first breath.

choking on it's depth,
i wasn't yet well acquainted with my new throat,
or my new nose,
or especially my new eyes,

they saw the beautiful insignificance i could have never noticed in my former life,

and so my spine shot upright,
and i jumped out of the fourth floor's window,
i hit the pavement with great purpose and ran,

millions of colors flashing in my peripherals,
everyone else was moving in slow motion,
i was alone.. but i still ran,

i ran until i spat up blood,
i ran until my body was numb,
i ran until every last atom inside of me was heaving...
... and then i ran some more.

noun; a deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness

i stared at this meek silhouette in the mirror,

she was so broken,
but all i could conjure was a peculiar, melancholy feeling of pity,
there was a sort of weight on her shoulders, pushing down on her,
so i reached my hesitant fingers out to the cold mirror,
and tried to brush away her tears,

but my wrist snapped back like a rubber band,
because even though her glassy eyes broke my heart,
they suited her,
in a sort of drab, but picturesque way,

there was so much distress,
so much to say,
but she didn't feel obliged, so i didn't pry,
and after an eternity of locking our eyes,
a profound understanding pummeled my gut,

i started taking skeptical steps backwards,
and eventually turned my back to her,
but i looked over my shoulder,
to get one more good look,
and all i could think,

was that i hope she would've done the same for me.

old habits die hard

every morning i wake up into a brand new person, with old habits.

i closed my eyes, and tried to write how i felt on scrap paper,
but when i looked down, it was just your name re-writted a dozen times,
so i made it into a paper airplane, and tossed it out, ashamed

every morning i wake up into a brand new person, with old habits,

i closed my eyes, and tried to sing in the most lovely resonance,
but i couldn't help but realize everything i was describing was a past memory with you,
so i turned off the mic, and turned out the lights, ashamed

every morning i wake up into a brand new person, with old habits,

i closed my eyes, and painted on a canvas with all my might,
but when i re-opened them, i came face to face with your intense eyes,
burning through my canvas, so i shoved it under my bed, ashamed

every morning i wake into a brand new person, with old habits.

delicate masochism

why is it?
that every time, you creep into my mind,
..it hurts
why is it?
that every line, i rewind,
..is still as sweet,

dearly beloved, let me in,
if only for a few minutes.

remember me for what i tried to be, and not what i was,
or at least, just remember me...

why is it?
that every chance i get, i allow the pain to set,
and flourish,
and bloom,
into the most divine agony.

punching waterfalls

she plays a summer melody with her fiddling thumbs,
desperately fighting for her life, trying to push away memories of a past,
a past so inexplicably beautiful it's depictions hurt,

pitter pattered footsteps through the night,
hunting for a midnight cigarette,
desperately fighting for her life, trying to push away memories of past,
a past so inexplicably beautiful it's depictions hurt,

pouring day dreams into a coffee cup,
moving on to another work-filled day, another tedious responsibility,
desperately fighting for her life,

an awkward smile extending from ear to ear,
pain rushing to her inner cheeks, taking it in with grace,
desperately fighting for her life,

rolls out of bed with angst in her head...
she's done fighting,

you're smell, you're voice, you're touch, you're eyes;
flood her mind,
she drowns in it,
choking, trying to re-surface,
she fights for her life,
but the current is too strong,
and she allows the memories to cascade on her,
like a shower of the most unimaginable, delightful pain.

and so she bloomed into a dreamer

she extended her arms to the sky,
her head lulled back,
and her cheeks drank in the sun
and the clouds
and what would become the stars,

the world is a canvas.. a playground if you will,
so grab your crayons and paintbrushes and color the city streets
with bliss
with stupidity
with clumsy intentions,

dance around barefoot with a smile above your chin and tears underneath your eyes,
allow your body to interpret the music of mind,

she wanted to live like this forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, plus infinity.
with ups and downs and all arounds,
but mostly ups
up
up
up...

the only problem is...
the higher up she goes,
the more devastating the plummet becomes,

however, one day, after her greatest fall,
she decided... it's worth it.

it always has been, and always will be.

so she extended her arms to the sky,
her head lulled back,
and her cheeks drank in the sun.

.

the conversations we never had,
the secrets i never told you,
the side of me you never met,

it's all surfacing now.

and it's a race against time, but you can't rush what should have been... but never was.

live free, be free

i am not that smart, but i'm done being embaressed about it,
i feel something real for someone, an odd warmth that won't go away,
and he intimidates the hell out of me, but i'm done being embaressed about it,
people murmur bullshit about me, and make up lies to entertain themselves, and overexagerrate occurences in MY life, but i'm done occupying my mind with it,

i am so incredibly young, with so much more to learn and experience and live,
i am naive, and want to see the best in people, but i'm done being embarassed about it,

i don't know what the hell i'm doing most of the time, but i'm done being embaressed about it,
i am self-concious and like it with the lights off, but i'm done being embaressed about it,

i have no idea where i'm going or what i want to do with my life,
i'm insecure,
and i'm a little dumb,
but one thing i'm not... is ashamed.

i can't recall many embaressing stories throughout my short lifetime,
i don't get embaressed too easily,
at least not in the sense you think i'm referring to.

our safety net is made of dollar bills

when the love for money blinds you,
you are done for,
and i feel sorry for you,
infact i pity you,

so here i am,
face to face with a greedy monster,
his name tag reads "hi my name is THE REAL FUCKING WORLD"

and i realize i am a blind man,
with dollar signs in my eyes,
and i am so far gone,
that i am crippled,
and my wheel chair is made of benjamin frankilns,

i say i want to do what makes me happy,
they say money will make me happy,

and i can't argue anymore.

"veni vedi VICI"

I came, and I saw, and then I took it all,
wandered the streets with nothing but 2 euros and a pack of cigarettes,
got lost in my brain,
people looked at my strange,
and i laughed behind my aviators,
because I came, and I saw, and I took it all,
74 days of a blur of monumental living,
a languid variety of encounters, goodbyes, and "finding the meaning of life" moments,
so they got on their knees and prayed for it to never end,
but i shook my head in disbelief,
because I came, and I saw, and I took it all,
and when it was all "over"..
I blew a whimsical kiss to the life I knew I would have someday,
because we came, and we saw, and our greedy little finger couldn't help but take it all.

head feels, heart thinks

a moment hatches in the core of a breath,
swimming between the crevices of a brain,
trying to find it's way out -
the memories are trapped,
a stubborn skull, laughing with malice,

"goodbye"... behind the smile, teeth are chewing on glass,
blood drips out the corner of lips during a last kiss,

a strange melange, foreign to the mind,

you keep me in -
you keep me in sus -
you keep me in suspense!

a brain coughs on the moment,
choking on it's memories,
seized within.

A Taunting Eclipse

the combination of the two was venomous,
the unforgiving herb, and liquid of divine,
provoking recognized feelings,
feelings that where meant to occur once,
once at a time,
a simple, but intriguing process,
much like the moon blotting out the sun,
cyclical, dependable, but only once a day,

but this experience differed from the rest,
tonight the moon had risen with such intensity, it feared the sun may never return,

she gasps for breath - he does the same,
absorbing life from him,
refueling her own mind,
gentle hands voyaging across a sturdy chest,
sucking enough sap to revive herself,
resuscitate and enliven until she finds a new challenge,
a new prey,
however, that night, and unexpected venom was present,
a binding venom, one that induced an excruciating sentiment,
preventing her from ending this process with another sweet victory,
hindering the sunrise,
prolonging this moment,
the moon was fastened in place,

tempting the hands to crave the same chest,
allowing it's accomplices to hunger for the same body,
longing for the same subject to enrapture,

at least long enough until the odd frenzy is terminated,
until she finds a new challenge,
a new prey,

but the venom was ever present,
and her greatest nightmare - awakened,
the new prey had become a challenge,
the sunrise was no longer a sign of victory, but rather failure,
the cyclical rules had unexpectedly changed,
now she needn't see the sun, but rather how long she could solidify the moon,
allow it to crave her, want her...

and so they only devoured each other under the moon light,
and no one knew what was to come.

desire.

That familiar conviction,
Odd yet lustful yet exhilarating

D rowning with liquor
E scalating heart rates
S moke lacing veins
I intricate fingertips, languidly dancing
R obust muscles, in need
E ager for the next encounter