afternoons in july

he was a thoughtless jolly,
and so was i,

in the sunflower meadows, our brains were spewed like seeds,
but not like a gore and guts movie,
like sparkles escaping from a fairies wings,
trickling down air,

we only had eyes for each other,
keeping one another safe,
like wrought iron gates protecting a beautiful castle,

his lips were like angel's wings,
soft, and pale, and scared,
his eyes were like divine fingertips,
grasping at anything within reach,
captivating it, like the most miraculous spell,

in the sunflower meadows, we ran giddy until our legs gave in,
then we slept, disguised by a million yellow angels,
with sunshine kissing our cheeks,
and sunflower seeds hugging our noses,

he was a thoughtless jolly,
and so was i

brutality in retrospect

last night i had this dream;
i opened my eyes to find foreign wings sprouting,
a beak emerging form my face,
and i was flying,
but it wasn't strange at all.. like most things aren't strange in the world of unconscious,

and so the higher i flew, the more beautiful the scenery became,
soon i was above my tiny town, but i was thirsty for more..
the beauty was absolutely becoming,
and much like a petulant child, i needed more..
in the blink of an eye, i was above my entire state,
and soon after that i was dancing across country lines,
and soaring above the oceans,
the view was so breath-takingly entrancing i forgot to breath for a few seconds,

when i regained sensibility,
reality slapped me a cross the face,
with cold, decrepit fingers,
i saw bliss had gotten the best of me..
i was at treacherous altitudes,
safety was a few hundred feet underneath me,
i gazed at the beauty bellow one last time,
until nothing was flowing through my airwaves anymore,
and the beauty that once was...
became a blur of fear, and tears, and dying mens wishes.

spirals down the drain,

& here i am,
writing shitty nonsense,
while my barely-existant ass, numbs,
i want to say something monumental,
i want to speak words of brilliance,
i want to change the world with my diction,
i want to change a life.

i want to be something that nobody can resist to ignore,
i want to scream at the top of my lungs,
until your eyes roll to the back of your head,
but you don't mind it because it's the feeling of infinity crushing your ribs like bricks,

but all i managed was to murmur shitty nonsense,
crap that leaves no one awake at night,

it's not monumental,
it's not brilliant,
the world snickered at me,
and you turned your back,

i can't feel my ass now,
and i don't even care,
i wish the rest of me would become numb too.

bring on the heat - i'm ready to burn

I scratched at the rust underneath my fingernails,
The rust that you left me to suffocate in.
“well, that must be the last of it..” I chocked out,
but then.. my single moment of oblivion ended,
because I then remembered what brought on all the rust,
all the ache,
all the venom,
all the pain,
memories flushed inside my every inch,
again and again,
replaying all the nights I pretended we had,
all the memories that never happened,
all the kisses we never shared,
and before I knew it,
I was chocking..
I was suffocating again,
And now I’m back at square one,
And I’m buried in the rust,
Scratching away.

blahblahblah.

and now my boots,
my favorite black boots,
my favorite black boots with the 3 inch heels,
are walking me away from you,
and i'll be damned if they ever turn back.

digging insanity.

And so they dug..
they kicked and screamed and dug..
until there was soot and debris perpetually stuck underneath their fingernails,
they kept digging to very depths of her heart until -
ice.
solid, cold, ice.
it was all they found.
"my God, she's an angel.." whispered one of the men.
an angel of the devil himself..
she flutters and flits around his pitchfork,
dances upon his shoulders, and swims between his teeth,
but the choreography of her limbs is too sinful to look away..
"we must remember the ice.." disrupted the other man.
ah yes, she is venom and her heart is ice.
solid, cold, ice.

Never think -

We never think,

We just laugh,
We just cry,
We just scream,
We just sink,
But never, do we ever think,

You’ll learn to love me,
You’ll learn to hate me,
But you’ll never think twice,
As a matter of fact, you’ll never think once,
We never think,

Hear my cry, Hear my plea,
Do as I say, Set me free,
But never think,

We just laugh,
We just cry,
We just scream,
We just sink,
But never, do we ever think.

Hold me tighter, Close my eyes,
Incredulously whisper my lies,
But you’ll never think twice,
As a matter of fact, you’ll never think once,
We never think,

Submerging now, in something foul,
Do as I say, Refrain your scowl,
But never think,

We just laugh,
We just cry,
We just scream,
We just sink,
But never, do we ever think.

foreign

hearth throb, clammy hands, plunging stomach,
lean a little closer...

now i'll never forget.

it's gotta mean something

i sat in the basement of my thought,
rocked back and fourth,
until the lyrics of my head seared my skull and there was nothing left but dust,
i fell in love with your exploding heart,
and now every time i see you,
it's a battle to breathe,
but in this instance, i smile during combat.

cut edge altitudes.

and in your darkest hour,
i'll come creeping up your skull,
to announce i am the master of nothing,

and in my brightest night,
you'll come weeping down my spine,
to announce you are the master of the world,

and in your darkest hour,
i'll come crawling up your neck,
to announce the beginning is the end is the now,

and my brightest night,
you'll hold my hand so tight,
and smile with tears in your eyes,
but your fingernails are cutting into my skin,

and blood races down my wrist,
as the sky laughs at us.

i set the playground on fire.

And to you;
I give a kiss with wings.
To flutter and fly out the window of my bedroom.

One day, someday.

Given three wishes,
I wished for your heart,
I wished for your mind,
I wished for your soul,

None of which were granted,

The genie laughed with the devil on his shoulder and malice in his eyes,
And I just laughed with them at my own poor fortune,
Because I knew I couldn't have you all along,
But I was happy to waste my wishes on you,

Any second, of any hour, of any day..
I rather spend waiting on you,
Than in another's arms,

I'll sit and watch you love her,
As you silently forget my name,
But I'll smile and nod my head in approval,
Because one day the genie may reconsider,
And the small creeping creature we call hope,
Is enough to keep me hanging on,
Until all bones are broken and my fingers slip up.

I loved him, and sometimes he loved me.

Velvet kisses and strawberry smiles,
Sun soaked laughter and sugary weak knees,
5 months of speed-bumped love,
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me,
Rash decisions and bent minds,
I leave words untold on the floor along with my heart,
Broken into a million tiny pieces,
Glass shards spewed like scattered thoughts,
Cut fingers and unspoken stories,
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me,
Amnesia in lovers arms,
Exceeding gravity on multiple levels,
Standing on the last tendril of life,
All hope is regained through a single string of words,
Hanging on to each thread like a dream undreamt,
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me,
Words drop like bombs from your lips,
Sharper than any grenade,
Wounds left unhealed,
A ghastly thought rips through brain cells like a razor of divine,
I love him,
I always have,
And as karma continues to prevail,
I always will.

Shadows of yesterday.

With rusted lips, itchy eyes, and an aching skull,
She silently watches the smoke of her burning desires slip through delicate fingertips,
It's a sort of sluggish agony though,
Rather than a gut-wrenching moment of reality,
She experiences the truth in slow, extended phases,
Flashes of unmitigated brutality,
Every unexpected dagger arrives with a jolt of guilt,
And obliterates every last idea for redemption,
She inwardly sobs in a dark room and sees light shining through the door's outline,
The tears aren't because she's in the dark,
But rather because there's light on the other side,
Because she knows life is better than this,
Because the tiny crevices of luminosity are evidence that she's destined to remain a shadow of yesterday.

Paint me, transparanency

You know something has gone wrong,
when happy feels like alien,
sad feels like home,
and love feels like pain.

alone is a sanctuary,
but their words are like bombs,
falling from they're lips,
she falls to bits,

pretend it's okay,
they're insignificant anyway,
but it's hard to brush off,
what taunts you everyday,

she wants to be hidden,
a ghost to the world,

time falls like lies from their teeth,
she gets dusty and dirty,
no tears,
she's a biodegradable beauty.

And here I take a stand.

We stand up and fight, but we hold hands during combat.
We stand up and scream our rights, but we whisper all the same.
We stand up and sing the blues for those who have mouths sewn shut.
We stand up without having to move a muscle.

We will stand and you will sit.
We will explain and you will listen.
We will hunt and you will run.

And when all is over and done, there will be no one left to feed the beast.

Confessions;;

Once I saw this movie and it was a lot like my life. Everything that was happening was sorta like a secret desire of mine that I never realized I wanted. Half way through the movie, I decided however it ended is how I would end the current ordeal I'd been having. But the thing is.. the movie ended with an endless ending. With such unclarity. Meaning you never really know how it's gonna end. Right then and there I realized it was an omen, not a coincidence. An omen to show me I've gotta chose for myself. Something to show me that no matter how freakishly similar this movie was to my life, the only person that can chose it's ending is me. At first it emerged that this movie had not given me any answers. But after thorough reassessment it became evident that it hadn't given me the answers I was initially looking for, however, it gave me the answers I needed. Because the question I had initially been asking doesn't have a concrete response. It varies between each individual. And now it's my turn to put forth my own unique answer.