lacerating love

and i want to vomit all my responsibilities,
watch them float in a careless puddle on the floor,
and laugh at them,
ha!

and i want to bleed out all my hurt,
through my wrists, my eyes, my lips,
and watch as it gracefully exits me,
un, deux, trois,
au revoir!

and i want to kiss you until my lips hurt,
watch your arms reach for me,
rather than your legs walking away,
suff!
o!
cate!
me!

and i want to cut my losses,
relish in the fruits of life,
and produce a smile that just might last, for once

not present

and when my heart slows with every fleeting beat, and i'm hugging the bones in my knees,
and my cheeks are itching red with the salt of dried tears,
there's a possibility that..

and when i'm staring at the particles in the air, speaking in monotonous nonchalance,
with glassy eyes unable to focus,
there's a possibility that..

and when the color has escaped from my face,
and i'm doubled over in pain,
there's a possibility that..

and when my whole body is trembling in negative two billion degrees,
as i suck on what should've been my last cigarette,
there's a possibility that..

and when my brain is pulsing and the walls are closing and the room is spinning and there's a ringing in my head and i can't stop twitching and i'm going to vomit,
there's a possibility that something vital is missing, and i'm not quite sure what or who that may be.

dear unknown,

every morning STOP
wake up with pleasure STOP
because you are STOP
only as beautiful STOP
as you make yourself to be STOP

make every day STOP
count for something STOP
look forward to tomorrow STOP
or next week STOP
or next month STOP
but don't get too caught up STOP
in the future STOP

absorb the life STOP
from the beginning STOP
and end STOP
of every minute STOP

live your life STOP
the way you envision STOP
life should be lived STOP
do what you desire STOP
because the only person STOP
you have to answer to STOP
is yourself STOP

do not hesitate STOP
to try something new STOP
or act a certain way STOP
just because STOP
society may not STOP
approve STOP

live for yourself STOP
first STOP
and then for others STOP
second STOP

and please STOP
take everything STOP
for better STOP
or for worse STOP
as an experience STOP
worth being experienced STOP

because one day STOP
when you're not STOP
ready STOP
everything STOP
will just STOP
stop.

awakened

last night i died,

i can't quite remember how,
but i exhaled without knowing it would be my last breath,
and then something inside of me died,
and it is forever gone, untraceable yet inescapable,

and i suspect it's because i opened my eyes,

and thus, life spat me out of it's womb,
i came out kicking and screaming and crying but smiling,

and thus i ga -
and thus i gasp -
and thus i gaped my first breath.

choking on it's depth,
i wasn't yet well acquainted with my new throat,
or my new nose,
or especially my new eyes,

they saw the beautiful insignificance i could have never noticed in my former life,

and so my spine shot upright,
and i jumped out of the fourth floor's window,
i hit the pavement with great purpose and ran,

millions of colors flashing in my peripherals,
everyone else was moving in slow motion,
i was alone.. but i still ran,

i ran until i spat up blood,
i ran until my body was numb,
i ran until every last atom inside of me was heaving...
... and then i ran some more.